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2012年12月19日 博创留学 美国留学第一站 梦想开始的地方  博创留美关注 - 留学聚焦

 

“ The Road To Become A Private Banker” : Biography of Li
这以自传的方式来描述自己的职业规划。Private banking是服务项目,and private banker有些让人费解,因为所有banker都是private的,直接说就可以了。
 

On 24 October 2011, I was recruited by Citibank (China Branch), in the hope of learning from its long-standing private banking experience, as an assistant sales manager after gained my Master degree in Finance in University XXXX. Then I moved up the corporate ladder to the positions of sales manager and senior sales managers in the following five years. (申请美国学校居然用英国英语的时间表述方式; Move up虽然也有提升,升级的意思,但职位上的提升用climb来表达更准确)
In the summer of 2016, I gained an opportunity working in the Citigroup Wealth Management department as a private banker. (你到底是要说ability呢,还是要说professional capacity呢?但其实在这句话中,用ability 和capacity都不是很恰当。因为ability表示的能力是可以通过练习或锻炼获得的,capacity主要指容纳和接收的能力,而用在此处最恰当的应该是capability,意指固有的能力或潜能)This was all due to my abilities professional capacities of exploring prospective customers, of establishing and retaining customer-relationship and of analyzing the market.(这两段的开头有些雷同) By assisting customers in indentifying their financial goals and risks and offering tailor-made solutions, I was highly respected by my customers.(assisting也不是很专业,advising就好了)
 

These imaginary parts of my future autobiography reflect my short-term and long-term goals of professional career after finishing the MSF program in you university.
 

It is the case analysis, from the my bachelor course of International Banking, of Salinas-Citibank Affair in 1996, that has intrigued my interest in the private banking industry.(直接说intrigue somebody就可以了,intrigue someone’s interest是多余的; 即便想说明案例分析是在大学课堂上知道的,也没有必要把案例分析和它所分析的内容做如此强硬的分开)
 

As the one who like is fascinated by finance and loves to meet challenges very much, I find that to be a private banker is just what I chase forwant. (此处的like真是令人匪夷所思啊,要表达什么; 另外,Chase指追赶,追踪,如果追寻的目标是事业,应该用pursue才对) An excellent private banker is not just a financial professional who can not only excels in communication and can provide investment management services to high net worth individuals, but also can excel in communication and retain clients within the boundary of the one who can retain clients on one hand and can obey banking regulations and international laws on the other.[。] ( 这里有几个基本的金融知识错误,内行人一看你这孩子就是装深沉,因为说的术语概念都是颠三倒四。例如private banking一般不涉及investment management service,就是counseling and advisory service,另外,什么叫retain clients within the boundary? 这是想说manage clients’ expectations and promote bank’s interest )
Your flexible and innovative curriculum and various competitions such as “Business Case Competition” and “MSF Investment Challenges” impress me a lot. And I do think am convinced that XXXX’s MSF program can enhance to a new level theoretically and practically prepare me for my future career in supplying investment advices.  to get launched for my lifelong dream.(这些句子也未免太长了吧,而且一句话中出现多个并列词组,不但没有体现出自己的词语运用能力,反而弄巧成拙,使读者无法看懂你要表达的真正意思;这一段没有什么新意,而且最后一两句话也很莫名其妙)

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