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另一篇金融硕士申请文书的改后版本
2012年12月19日 博创留学 美国留学第一站 梦想开始的地方  博创留美关注 - 留学聚焦

下面是另一篇金融硕士的改后版本。选取的同学小方,武汉大学在读学生,本专业不是金融或经济类,而是英语语言文学,辅修是国际贸易和金融(美国没有国际金融这个专业,金融就是金融)。小方可以说是申请金融学专业的同学里最不占优势的一个,实习经历也不是很强,嘉里通过关系安排的,做的事情和大多数的实习生一样,没有太多的技术含量。除了TOEFL分数高一些(托福在商科申请时用处非常有限),小方申请金融应该说很困难。但是,小方对金融的理解和金融工作的了解,还是比较到位的。这里,我们看看小方的改后稿件如何表现了行业经历,职业规划和相关金融背景这几个基本要素的。

Personal Statement

I always picture this scene in mind, with excitement and aspiration, that one day I could give full plays to my talents in Wall Street as a finance expert in fields of portfolio management, fund management and risk control. (give full play展示完全实力,相同的有show all of potentials,display all of my capabilities)The Master's program in Finance offered by your University will pave the runway for me to send my career souring high to the top of the industry. (pay the way for, make ready for, set the tone for, help lay the foundation for都是为什么事情做好准备的意思)
这一段讲明白了自己所要学的几个专业方向,不要超过3个,否则就说不清楚了。或者,在这里开头的部分,可以先不说金融的具体方向。

Finance, to me, is not just a major scrutinizing numbers, figures and rises/falls of stocks, but a discipline that combines ingenuity of human beings and devotions to the social good.(金融是干什么的,有什么意义,这里就要写清楚了) With this belief in mind, I did not hesitate to choose among so many internships, even though they were all equally well-paying and rewarding, the trainee position in Bank of China during my junior summer. The experience working at the largest Bank in the world was far from relaxing, where I strived to make myself familiar with the professional procedures, the financial products and market analysis.(几个银行的工作实习任务让她觉得很繁重。这里用strive是努力的意思,努力的动词还有attempt, endeavor to, do someone’s utmost等) For those theories learned in classrooms, I tried to apply them in practical operations and projects. As I observe, the core essence of banking business and financial institute lies in the precise management of financial advises to clients and accurate judgment by its financial expertise. Besides conducting investment related projects, my obligations involved international settlement details, such as examination of documentary credits, transferring to the import team and issuing letters of credit.
这一段说明了在中行实习都具体做了什么,还有一些什么样的感悟。可惜在银行里小方的工作比较简单,否则可以这里写得更加突出和深入一些。

Working in the Bank of China for one month was short, but it is by all means valuable and educating, not only because of diversity of my work responsibilities, but also due to the eye-opening process of how finance works on the trading floor.(实际经历更为宝贵,这里也是婉转地表达了自己实习最关键不是来做成一个大单,而是切身体会金融实务的运作) My intern experience, in retrospect, adds more flavor to my school learning, allowing me to revisit the financial knowledge in textbooks and develop more accurate understanding in class. During the internship, I made lots of like-minded friends and was exposed to wide range of ideas and thinking in finance subjects, such as design of risk management mode, portfolio analysis and selection and market dynamics assessment, etc.(这里列出的几个产品和服务也是小方准备在美国大学学习的专业方向) Needless to say, I also improve greatly my inter-personal skill and communication know-how, smoothly dealing with colleagues with different ages, backgrounds and expertise.
这一段的用意在与总结一些实习对自己的课堂学习好实践操作有什么好处和指导意义。

But as to me, the most valuable learning was that my preparation for further studies in finance was strong and useful, but far from sufficient.(自己的学习准备还是有用的,但是很不充分) For the first time has the idea of going for an advanced degree in Finance become such a pressing need for me. My college major is English with a minor in International Trade of XXX University, probably the best economics/finance institute in China housing a variety of strong finance and financial engineering programs on campus. Studies of International Economics and Trade all these years ushered me to the wonders of basic finance theorems, quantitative methods and tools of financial analysis. (这些年的学习是我在数学分析,金融基本理论和很多方面都有了一定的基础)A rare advantage, my strength in both English and International Business better prepares me for developing an aptitude in grasping those obscure financial terms, and trends of global finance practices as well. I purposefully keep myself abreast of the latest development in Wall Street and other financial hubs by reading Wall Street Journal and the Financial Times. I also attended professional classes, such as International Economics, International Investment and International Finance Practice,to expand my vision of finance.
这里也强调了自己选课和学习的准备,谁然不是科班出身,但是也有很多好处,即很多金融需要的基本技能基本上都接触了,而且,较高的英文水平也为自己的广泛阅读和上课提供了极大的好处。

Besides the Grade A awarded to me at the end of the course, my understanding of professional theories has been greatly improved and strengthened. My horizon was further broadened to touch on many forefront financial theories and practices in the states.

Finance, for me at this stage, is no longer dry reports and data in stock sections of newspapers, but lively hot actions that I can jump in and try on my talents. To further prepare for my dream, I plan to apply for the Master of Science in Finance in XXX University. I do believe that I will receive the most updated professional training under your seasoned guidance. Your MSF program, well-designed and well-planned, also appeals to me immensely. The courses of MSF serve as the best foundation for people like me who want to pursue a career as a manager or director in banks.
这里从新强调了自己对金融的看法和学习计划,引出下一段对金融职业的规划,计划和想法。

Before I return to China, I would like to finish my Master degree under your guidance, for this will better power my career as a financial professional. In the short run, study is my focus, and after years of study in your distinguished university, I would like to handle the practical problems in the business area and spend one to three years practicing portfolio management or fund management in Bank of China. In the long run of 3 years or more, Investment Banking practices in companies such as Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will be ideal for me, as I see Investment Banking as the promising and burgeoning line of work in China as my career in finance moves forward.
这一段写清楚了自己的金融职业规划和自己就业和回国工作的安排。并做了一个小小的总结和展望。

申请总结
最后的申请结果也是让人满意的,第一个的小李同学不是科班出身,GMAT分数不到700分,申请时,辅导老师要进行深入沟通,到底这个同学的强项在什么地方,学校的选择必须是根据招生情况,地理位置,课程设置及特点而作出的综合考虑。最终确定的申请学校没有好高骛远地选择那名声响亮,却完全不适合小李这样费科班出身无重大“硬性”金融经验的同学。每一年,都有几位同学幸运拿到金融的全额奖学金,但是,我要提醒大家注意,那是金融学的博士学位录取,这和MSF金融硕士是有本质差别的。这样的个性化申请计划指定和文书写作,才能提高了申请成功率。

另一位应届生同学小方也是这样,尽管喜欢阅读金融类书籍,旁听和参与过很多金融类的培训课程,但是和实际操作过还是有巨大的差距。这是很难在短时间内弥补或依靠编造文书材料可以弥补的。对于现在社会上声名显赫的某些留学中介公司来说,任何事情似乎都是可以编造,任何一只乌鸡经过他们的编造,也都是可以变成凤凰的。我反对这样的错误指导和做法。小方的长处在于桌为一个应届生,她对自己将来的职业规划有很清楚的认识。另外,在选择学校方面,我的意愿也很明确,即希望她去东北部金融和商业发达的地区就读。至于自己的经历,老老实实,适当地夸张即可,不要弄虚作假。作为一名宣誓过的律师,我对这种为了短期利益作假的行为深恶痛绝。一旦被查出来,后果是不堪设想的。
  两位同学之前曾经撰写了过几份文书包括个人陈述,但是内容上比较松散。和很多同学一样,他们从高中获奖甚至伟大的高考开始讲,自己多么优秀,然后是四年的学习活动经历。这简直就像是申请教育学的文书,那里像一个朝气蓬勃的年轻职业人士?结合他们的实习经历,我也要求每个人写写自己的单独一份的实习经历摘要,配合实习公司的推荐信,这样才能尽可能地会比他们缺乏实际操作的硬伤。在学校要求的Essay准备方面,别出心裁和作出不同,才能使学校对学生的情况产生了浓厚兴趣。每一次的面试,也都需要细心的准备和老师的辅导,否则,就很难给老师留下一个良好的印象。这个同学小方最后申请的结果是不错的,如德克萨斯大学,本特利学院,马里兰大学等金融专业的录取,对于一个本科毕业生来说,几百众多有实际工作经验的申请人拿到入学录取,可以说结果是非常令人振奋的。

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